I saw something last night and oddly enough it completely shattered me which in turn threw me into this weird state. I feel like I've fallen back about twenty steps and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I told C all about it right after it happened. She's the only one I've ever fully gone to regarding this because well... I know she gets it and there are never any judgements made.

Hopefully this all passes soon. I'd like to be back to my normal self please.

I really hope you watch yourself because I know how much you were hurt the last time.

I'm glad you're patching things up, I really am, but I just don't want it to happen again and I know there's a pretty decent chance that it can. For the both of us that is.

All I can say is good luck and keep your guard up.

I saw this and it made me miss my two kittens that much more.

They used to sleep with me just like this only one would be on my chest whilst the other was by my feet.

Awwww. Sad day.

PS. I can't sleep but what else is new? So I'm having Jess keep me company. The conversations we have are pure gold. I love that chickie. <3

Right.

I need to get my thoughts into some sort of order after this morning and if I sit here and think about this it’ll cause me to get upset and honestly? I don’t need nor deserve to feel like that.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end."

A favourite quote of mine and something I've learned to live by over the past few months or so. I’ve never liked conflict of any type and right now I feel there’s one still going on. It’s frustrating and annoying. Whereas I’ve been trying to be friends again, you just tell me you don’t have time because "real" friendships take time, effort and interaction. Hmm. Good to know we didn't have a real friendship.

You once sent me a text saying you wanted to be friends and at that point I wasn’t ready but now I am. I’ve moved past everything that went on. That’s why I came to you. But maybe you're the one who isn't ready now. I really don’t know.

Now I can sit here and be really immature about this because god knows there’s been times when I’ve felt like being that way but why would I waste my time and energy doing that? There’s no point.

Think what you may about me but know this, you’ll never fully know why I acted the way I did or what was really going on in my head all those months ago. You didn’t want to hear my side of the story. Haha. You never want to hear my side of anything. You’d rather assume. Whatever, you know? I’m not going to dwell on it.

I’ll always be willing to be friends. I’m not mad. I don’t hate you. I have no ill will towards you. Whenever you decide you’re ready you can come to me. And if it doesn’t happen until I’m actually in New Zealand well then hopefully that irl experience will be full of all the wonderful/amazing/fantastic/fun that the last one was supposed to hold.

Like the great Ms. Carrie Bradshaw once said, "Sometimes it’s easier to say you don’t care than to explain all the reasons why you do."

So for the time being I just really don’t care anymore.

See you on the other side.

Tonight's lesson learned? Denise can be a very persuasive person. And I find that to be rather odd as I'm one shy chickie and I don't really tend to step outside of my box if I don't have to.

But tonight was different. Maybe it was the fact that I had Shannon egging me on a bit or maybe it was a little part of me breaking through that shell I've created. I really don't know.

Am I proud of what I did? No. I mean it wasn't even that big of a deal but still. It wasn't right. It's a little scary to find out that I can do and say these things and people will actually listen.

I see how one of my best friends treats his girlfriend and you know what? I want that too.

He's amazing with her. A real gentleman.

It seems like guys only like me because I'm "pretty" or "hot" or they want something from me. It's always been that way and I've always hated it. You have no idea how much of a turnoff that is. Sure I like compliments every once in awhile but most times it's overkill. Tell me you like me for the way I think, that'll score you way more points. I've always been the type who didn't go for the physical at first. If I did I wouldn't have liked the last few guys that I did. I'd rather he have a wicked sense of humor and a fun personality. I need someone that can connect and keep up with me mentally and it seems like that's been rather hard to come by as of late.

I'm tired of dealing with the same type of guy. I'd like a guy who doesn't lie for once but maybe that type of guy doesn't exist. I don't see the point in lying. All it does is make for a big mess and cause unneeded/unwanted trouble. I've dealt with enough of it and I don't want it anymore.

I know they say that there's someone for everyone but I'm tired of waiting. I'm an impatient bastard (something I really have no problem admitting to) and I want it now. I want him now.

When's it going to be my turn?

IRL stuff sure can be confusing at times and make for bad nights with tears.

I love how these aren't even proper blogs. Just little blurbs. Eh, what can you do? LOL.